Never Let This Go
by DearlyBeloved-13
Summary: Sequel to Used to Be. She loved him. He broke her. She’s broken. He’s guilty. She loves him still. He loves her still. She doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. She won’t talk to him. He won’t talk to her. They’re both lonely. Rated for: Suicide.


_Sequel to Used to Be. She loved him. He broke her. She's broken. He's guilty. She loves him still. He loves her still. She doesn't know. He doesn't know. She won't talk to him. He won't talk to her. They're both lonely. Rated for: Suicide._

_Song used: __Never Let This Go __by Paramore. _

_Sequel to __Used to Be__. _

_**X.x.X **__That means I am switching from Roxas's point of view to Namine's or vice versa.  
Italics are part of the song and whatever lyrics I write are describing both Namine's and Roxas's thoughts_.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot.**

**Never Let this Go**

He screwed up. He screwed up so bad.

He had completely freaked out when Namine had confessed she loved him. He handled it completely wrong. He hurt her in the worst way possible and he felt horrible with himself about it. He couldn't even look at her without feeling complete revulsion from the fact that he was the cause that Namine was acting that way.

Roxas could barely even think about talking to her. He felt horribly guilty. In fact, he felt so guilty sometimes he couldn't even breathe. It hurt him so, so much to see her that way; so empty, so bare of life and emotion.

Why had done that to her? God! Because he was the most idiotic bastard in the universe! To hurt such an angel that way is just pure evil.

It hurt so bad he wanted to die.

X.x.X

How long had it been? How long had it been since she had confessed she loved Roxas? How long had it been since he had rejected her in such a way? How long had it been that she had been playing that fake, happy charade?

She couldn't even remember anymore. But, if it was such a long time ago, why did it still hurt so much? She still felt so sad that it hurt when she breathed. She still had nightmares about that day, that time, that horribly beautiful sunset…

And every time Namine woke up sobbing.

But of course, no one ever noticed.

The pain was slowly eating away at her; with each passing sunset, she grew more depressed. Namine being Namine, never showed her true feelings. On the outside, she could be all smiles even if it didn't reach her eyes, while in the inside, she could be sobbing her lungs out.

It hurt so damn much, every minute of the day, but it hurt the most during the sunset; the time of day when everything so violently changed so quickly.

Her still broken heart throbbed painfully at the memory.

X.x.X

_Maybe, if my heart stops beating, it won't hurt this much._

X.x.X

Roxas wondered why nobody noticed the changes in Namine. Why no one noticed how her moving seemed to be automatic and her responses robotic.

Why didn't anyone bother asking _her _what was wrong and stop asking him?

Yes, it had also affected Roxas, big time. He had a muchlower-self esteem now and was always beating himself up about anything. But he had a harder time hiding his emotions, so people would come to him and ask if he was ok.

And he hated it. He didn't want their care. He didn't _deserve_ their care. The angel needed much more care than he did. She deserved it. Not him.

She deserved someone better than the demonic bastard he was. Someone who would never hurt her, no matter how freaked out or panicked they got. She deserved someone better than him, no matter how much he loved her.

He wanted people to stop questioning him and go care for the angel- the angel that needed dire help and yet asked for none by hiding her emotions from everyone.

Oh yes. Roxas saw right through her mask. But he wasn't the one to comfort her. He didn't deserve being in the presence of an angel. Besides, how could she be comforted by him if it was his fault in the first place?

Maybe, if he could simply disappear, they would all finally pay attention to her…

X.x.X

"Are you sure you're ok, Nami?"

She was really getting tired of being asked that. Why were they still questioning her? It had been so long ago… She would've thought that they had gotten used to her attitude by now.

At least there were fewer people asking now. At the beginning, almost everyone she spoke with asked her that same question, claiming that she looked distracted or a little down.

Now, it was only her close friends like Sora, Kairi, and Riku that still asked if she was fine and every time she had the same response.

"Yes I'm fine, Sora."Or Kairi, or Riku, or insert-the-name-of-the-person-who-asked-here.

Sora looked into her eyes, looking for something, _anything, _only to be disappointed yet again to find nothing but emptiness.

He sighed. "If you say so…" Reluctantly, he walked away.

Namine watched his retreating figure. She was sick of them asking her that question. It always managed to weasel into any conversation she had with her friends. Why couldn't they just leave her? It was her problem and she had to deal with it.

Briefly, she wondered what would happen if one day, there just wasn't someone for them to ask the question to.

X.x.X

_And never will I have to answer again to anyone._

X.x.X

He could never, ever forgive himself for doing this to her. Ever.

What if she just never went back to being her usual self? What if she was emotionless and robotic for the rest of her life? Or what if she cut her own life short? It would all be his fault. If that really happened, he simply could not live with himself.

And he couldn't even go and talk to her and make things ok! Because what if he did and she rejected him right back? Sure he deserved it, most definitely deserved it, but what if that only made her get worse instead of better?

He didn't want to risk that.

But still, Roxas could simply just never, ever, ever, _ever_ forgive himself for doing such a thing. He damaged the poor, beautiful, delicate angel.

That was a sin that could not be forgiven; at least, he didn't forgive himself and really doubted anyone else would forgive him if they even knew what he had done.

X.x.X

She wasn't really mad at Roxas, no.

Sure, she was upset, hurt, disappointed, broken, depressed even, but not mad. And she didn't know why. She should be mad, shouldn't she? He did hurt her in the worst way possible, but she simply couldn't bring herself to hating him.

And under all that hurt and sadness she was confused because of that. She confused as to why she was not feeling anger.

The only thing that was keeping her from moving on was her depression… and stubbornness, probably. She was too stubborn to let loose and let her feelings go free; that was probably why it was taking her so long to move on.

X.x.X

_Please don't get me wrong._

_Because, I'll never let this go._

X.x.X

How could he apologize? Was there even a way to say sorry for what he did? 'Sorry that I broke your heart into a million pieces. Can you please stay with me? I don't want to be alone.'

Pfft. Right.

He deserved to be alone, damn it! Why was he asking for forgiveness? Didn't he just say he didn't deserve it?

But he was so alone and he felt so guilty… Maybe if he could just risk it and apologize he'd feel better and-

But this wasn't about him; it was about her.

Of course it's about her! Wouldn't she be feeling alone, too? Roxas sure as hell would be feeling alone if that had happened to him.

But she deserved someone better than him. Someone like… like… well… anyone who wasn't him. Anyone was better than him.

But he wanted to be with her… He wanted to hold the angel in his arms and look into her beautiful eyes. He wanted to run his hands through her silky blonde hair. He wanted to feel her tiny, delicate hand in his. He wanted to hear her musical voice speak his name and say the three magical words. He wanted to kiss her sweet lips and taste her delicious taste.

But he couldn't do that. He couldn't, because he screwed up so badly. He hurt her so badly.

How could he apologize?

And if he did, how would she react?

X.x.X

She stared at her reflection in the mirror, blankly. For you see, she wasn't actually looking at her reflection; her mind was far away, imagining what could possibly be the impossible.

She was imagining an encounter with Roxas.

Namine wanted to go up to him and say, "Why?"

A simple question. And at the same time, not.

In her dreams, he would feel guilty and ask for forgiveness, claiming that he actually loved her with all his heart. She would be reluctant at first, of course, anyone would be.

"I guess… I just don't want to be alone, anymore," she would say. Eventually, she would forgive him and they could both finally be happy.

But of course, those were just her dreams.

Reality would probably be the exact opposite. He would probably ignore her like he has been doing for so long now.

She doesn't even know how he would react if she just walked up to him like that. Probably not well. She didn't want to risk the pain of rejection again so she steered clear of his way.

But she felt so alone… maybe if she used the right words…

X.x.X

_But I can't find the words to tell you… _

_I don't want to be alone._

_But now I feel like I don't know you._

X.x.X

"Are you sure you're fine, honey?"

"Yeah, Mom. I'm _fine_," Roxas replied, rolling his eyes.

"I'm just worried. You've seemed so down for a while now."

Roxas sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm going to bed." He hesitated. "Good night Mom. Know that I have always loved you and will always love you. Thank you for everything."

His mother's eyes softened. She wondered what had brought on such words but decided not to ruin the moment by questioning him. "I love you too, my son. Always and forever. Sweet dreams."

He smiled and walked up the stairs into his room.

He decided tonight was it. Tonight… tonight…

He got tired of pretending to be fine. He wasn't fine. He most definitely wasn't fine.

He couldn't take the guilt that was eating away at him. Maybe he deserved it, but he was getting attention from people; he was receiving care.

He wanted them to pay attention to Namine, not himself. If this was the only way for people to care for her, then so be it.

But before he did anything, he decided to leave behind a letter. He took a while. Hey, give him a chance, you would take a long time too if you were trying to decide what were the last words you were going to leave behind in the world.

When he finished his first letter, it looked something like this.

_Dear Mother,_

_I know this letter is a bit short but some things were meant to be simple. I just had a couple of things to say…_

_I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please know that this has nothing to do with you. You were nothing but supportive through out my life. You were the best mother any child could ask for. You cared and loved me and for that I thank you. _

_Please don't stop living because of me. Live your life and be happy. Enjoy anything and everything. Go dance in the rain or watch the sun rise or even (on a random note) have more children- I wouldn't mind. As long as you're happy, I'll be happy._

_I love you, Mommy- Always and forever._

_Your son,_

_Roxas_

Aforementioned teen sighed and placed his pen down to stretch his hand a little. Now came the other letter- the one for Namine…

That one was going to take longer.

When he finished, he placed both letters in separate envelopes and wrote the name of the person for whom the letter was to be given to.

Quietly, he crept into the hallway bathroom, grabbed a bottle of pills and a razor and crept back to his room.

He closed the door gently, without locking it and went to sit down next to his bed on the floor. He stared at the objects in his hands.

He glanced at the envelopes on top of his bed and then proceeded to open the cap of the bottle and shake out a couple of sleeping pills into his palm.

He stared at them and hesitantly swallowed them without having anything to drink. He picked up the razor and, with a shaky hand, placed it against his wrist. Squeezing his eyes shut, he pressed the razor down into his skin.

First, he felt a sharp sting on his wrist, and then the warm, crimson liquid trickling down his arm. He sat there, waiting, for death.

Soon, his vision was starting to get hazy and his breathing was starting to falter. His eyes didn't want to stay open and he could feel himself growing weaker and weaker…

His last thoughts and his last words were, "P-please forgive me, Namine. I l…love…y…"

X.x.X

_One day, you'll get sick of saying,_

_that everything's all right. _

_And by then, I'm sure I'll be free (of)_

_Pretending just like I am tonight…_

X.x.X

Namine was sitting on the same park bench that she had gone to all that time ago. The one where she went to cry that dreadful sunset.

She wanted some alone time (she had been wanting a lot of that lately).

But she wasn't going to get her wish granted just yet.

Riku came and silently sat next to her. He said nothing for a while before asking, "Are you ok?"

The response came automatically to Namine. "I'm fine."

There was a long silence from Riku in which Namine could feel his eyes boring into her face without even having to turn and look. Finally, after a few more tense minutes of silence, she turned to look at him.

He looked straight into her eyes and said, "Tell me the truth."

And that was when her unknown wish became true. And that was all it took. The tears started streaming down her face in puddles and she now found herself sobbing in Riku's comforting arms. He rubbed her back soothingly and rocked her back and forth slightly. He ran a hand through her hair and kissed her head gently.

He had been worried about her for so long. When ever someone would ask if she was ok she would always give the same reply. Riku had though that she would get over whatever was bothering her sooner or later but she obviously wasn't getting any better yet.

It hurt him to see her in pain that way, but at least now, she was letting everything out.

Namine sobbed so hard, it almost felt like she couldn't breathe. But at the same time, it felt good; it felt good to finally let everything out. Riku said nothing the entire time but sometimes a shoulder to cry on or a simple hug can comfort a person so much.

She lost track of time of how long she was there and eventually she could feel her sobs start growing quieter and her tears coming slower.

When she was finally in control again, she simply snuggled into Riku's comforting arms while he still rubbed her back soothingly.

"Sorry you had to see that," she mumbled quietly.

Riku shook his head. "You had to get it out. You can't keep your feelings bottled up, Namine. It's not healthy. Why didn't you tell us anything? You know we care about you. _I_ care about you."

Namine smiled softly and yawned. Riku chuckled. "Go to sleep. I can carry you home if you want."

She nodded sleepily and buried herself deeper into his chest.

Finally, someone saw through her mask. Finally, she let her feelings out. Finally, she was done acting.

Finally, someone cared.

X.x.X

_One day, you'll get sick of saying,_

_that everything's all right. _

_And by then, I'm sure I'll be free (of)_

_Pretending just like I am tonight…_

X.x.X

When Namine woke up, she was in her bed. The sun light was pouring in through the window and she was all nice and snuggly in her blankets.

The smell of bacons and eggs wafted into her nose and, after putting her slippers on, she hungrily went downstairs and into the kitchen. There, she found…

"Riku? What are you doing here?" She asked as she spotted aforementioned silver-haired teen making breakfast for her.

Riku turned to face her and smiled. "Good morning, Sleepy Head."

Namine, in turn, smiled sheepishly. "'Morning."

Riku chuckled and answered her question. "Your mom let me spend the night yesterday when it started raining. I crashed on your living room couch."

"Was it comfy?"

"I fell off twice."

Namine genuinely laughed. She hadn't done so in such a long time, the noise sounded foreign to her.

Riku beamed, proud that he had made her laugh. The sound was beautiful and he hadn't heard her laugh in a long time.

As Namine sat down on the kitchen table, Riku placed her plate of breakfast in front of her. "What do you want to drink?"

"Orange juice, please."

He walked over to the refrigerator and took out a carton of juice. He poured it into a glass he got from the cupboard and handed it to Namine who was happily eating her breakfast. He sat down next to her.

"Taks, Viku." She said through a mouthful of egg.

Riku laughed. "Don't talk with your mouth full," he chided playfully. She giggled. "Is it good?"

Namine nodded enthusiastically and Riku laughed once again.

When she swallowed her food, her expression turned sincere. "Thanks, Riku, for everything."

"No problem. That's what friends are for, right?"

Just then the doorbell rang. Riku got up and said, "I'll get it."

Namine wondered who could be coming over so early in the morning. She heard Riku opening the door and his gasp.

"Mrs. Hikari-!"

Mrs. Hikari? Why was Roxas's mom here?

And then she heard it.

She was sobbing.

In utter confusion, Namine stood up and walked to doorway. Sure enough, Mrs. Hikari was there sobbing, clutching an envelope with a dumbfounded Riku simply standing there.

Namine slowly, and almost fearfully, walked up to Mrs. Hikari and placed a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Oh Namine," She moaned. "I'm so sorry."

"Why? What happened?"

Mrs. Hikari bit her lip as tears started running down her face again. "He killed himself," she whispered. "Roxas is dead."

The world seemed to stop as Namine stared at Mrs. Hikari. She had frozen her body; she couldn't move, she couldn't talk, she couldn't think.

Roxas… was… dead?

"What?" was her answer. It was so quiet, so small, barely above a whisper, but you anyone could hear the horror in her voice.

Mrs. Hikari let out a few sobs and finally managed to say, "He left you a letter."

She extended her arm and gave it to Namine, who took it with a shaky hand. Her breaths were coming quickly and ragged and she could feel her heart beat quickening.

Seemingly getting a tissue out of no where, Mrs. Hikari blew her nose and said, "I'm sorry. I have- have to go. I just can't-just can't… Good bye." And with that, she left.

Namine stared at the envelope in her hand, not noticing how Riku solemnly led her to sit at the couch.

Her vision was beginning to blur as she stared at his messy handwriting writing the name 'Namine'.

Slowly and with shaky hands, she opened the envelope and read the letter.

_Namine,_

_Sweet, beautiful angel._

_I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I freaked out, and I know it's not an excuse, but it's the truth._

_I hurt you, Namine. You were hurt, and you didn't ask for help. Why? I cared, Namine, but I couldn't comfort you. How could I when I was the one who hurt you in the first place? I didn't want to hurt you; I didn't want to be the one keeping you from happiness. _

_I ask for your forgiveness, but I understand if you don't want to forgive me. I'll understand if you never let this go. I understand if you hate me with burning passion._

_But, Namine, please know…_

_I love you with all my heart, all my soul. I have always loved you and will always love you. You are my life, Namine. _

_I'm sorry._

_I love you._

_-Roxas_

Namine found herself sitting on the floor shaking uncontrollably with tears streaming down her face. Riku was there, hugging her, trying to comfort her as well as he could. But nothing seemed to work. She seemed completely out of it, like she was in another world.

And then, the screaming started.

Namine yelled and shouted her lungs out. She sobbed and coughed and screamed some more until her voice became so hoarse that all that came out was a faint whisper. She sobbed so much she ended up having to run to the restroom in order to throw up.

Riku was there the entire time, but she didn't seem to notice. She was lost in her own sorrow- drowning in it.

She rocked back and forth in Riku's lap, repeating the words, "He's dead. He's dead. He's… dead."

And just as abruptly as it had started, her crying suddenly came to an end- and she looked lifeless; completely emotionless. Riku received no reaction whatsoever no matter what he did to her. He tried shaking her, getting her to stand up…

Eventually he gave up and carried her upstairs and into her room where he lay her down on her bed. She simply lay there.

Riku sighed as he stepped out of her room and proceeded to call her mom.

Later that night, as everyone was sleeping in their beds, Namine was simply lying there staring blankly at the ceiling.

The only thoughts going through her head were, 'He loved me. I loved him. He's dead.'

Abruptly she stood up and walked to the supply closet that was in the hallway outside of her room. As she opened the door, she remembered what her Dad had told her one day. "In a case of an emergency, like if a robber comes into the house, the gun is in here," he had said while opening a drawer that was in the supply closet.

Remembering that, she opened the drawer and pushed papers out of the way. Her hand hit a cool, metal object. She wrapped her hand around it, and pulled the gun out. She held the beautifully, deadly weapon in her hands and stared at it with her lips pressed into a tight line.

She walked back into her room and turned on the lamp on her desk. Just like Roxas, she wrote a letter to her mother, and one to Riku.

When she finished, she placed the envelopes on her desk and she stood up. She walked into the middle of the room and pressed the gun to her head. She placed the finger on the trigger and whispered the words, "I love you, Roxas. I'm coming."

Outside of Namine's house, a gun-shot echoed through out the darkness.

x.X.x

_Dear Riku,_

_I'm sorry you had to lose two of your friends in one day. I'm sorry that yesterday was the last image you had of me. _

_I wanted to thank you, Riku, for everything you did for me. I wanted to thank you for caring without really knowing what was going on. I wanted to ask you to remember me the way I was the morning you made me pancakes; my last moments of genuine happiness._

_Thank you, Riku. You're like a brother to me._

_Take care of Mom for me._

_Lots of love,_

_Namine_

Riku sighed as he read the letter once again. He now stood in front of Namine's and Roxas' grave; it had been decided by their parents that they should be buried next to each other.

Almost everyone had left by now, but Riku wanted a moment with them.

He placed a rose on each of their headstone; the roses were tied together by a ribbon.

A few tears escaped his eyes.

Now he knew, first hand, why a rose represented love when a rose eventually died…

But why, did these two lovers have to die so soon?

X.x.X

_Because I'll never let this go…_

_  
But I can't find the words to tell you,_

_  
I don't want to be alone,_

_  
but now I feel like I don't know you_

Let this go, let this go.

_  
But I'll never let this go…_


End file.
